The Breakthrough Parenting Tool You’ve Been Missing
Here's How to Stop Reacting and Start Connecting
💡 In Today’s Edition:
🌱 Roots Reflection: When Parenting Feels Like a Power Struggle
🧘🏽♂️ Awareness Action: Understanding the Reactivity Cycle
💛 Kindness Opportunity: Parenting Through Love, Not Fear
🌱 Roots Reflection: When Parenting Feels Like a Power Struggle
Have you ever felt like you and your children were locked in a battle, each feeding off the other’s frustration? One small disagreement can turn into shouting or tears, and often both. It’s exhausting and leaves you wondering: How did we get here?
That once described our home. Every outburst from my kids felt like a challenge to my authority, and I met it with my frustration. It wasn’t just me—my wife was contributing to the negativity, too. The energy in our home felt heavy, tense, and draining.
For my wife, the tipping point came during one of our son’s outbursts. His anger ignited hers, and they found themselves locked in a back-and-forth that neither could escape. I remember coming home from work and seeing them both shaking with anger. The tension in the room was so palpable it felt like the air was weighed down.
We both knew there had to be a better way.
It was one of those “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear” moments. A friend recommended a workshop by Julie King, co-author of How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. The timing couldn’t have been better. My wife signed up, and when she came back from the first class, she was lit up with a deep, almost electric clarity. “I see it now,” she said. “I know how we can change.”
Her conviction was contagious. Within a month, I joined her in the workshop, eager to see what all her fuss was about.
That decision transformed how we approached parenting and, over time, began to shift the energy in our home from tension to connection. But what exactly were we learning in these sessions that started to break the cycle of reactivity?
Reflection: Where is reactivity showing up in your home—and how does it affect your family’s dynamic?
🧘🏽 Awareness Action: Understanding the Reactivity Cycle
Reactivity is a powerful force in family dynamics. One heated moment can quickly shift the emotional tone of an entire household. When we, as parents, react impulsively to our children’s behavior, it not only amplifies their emotions but sets the stage for repeated conflict.
Julie King’s workshops helped us see this clearly: a child’s behavior is often a mirror reflecting their environment. If we respond to frustration with frustration, we reinforce a pattern that teaches them to meet intensity with more intensity.
This realization was eye-opening. I had been so focused on "fixing" my kids’ outbursts that I missed how much my own reactions were fueling the storm. It wasn’t easy to admit, but the patterns were undeniable. My temper, exasperation, and dismissive tone were part of the dynamic I sought to change.
Action: This week, bring awareness to your own reactivity. Choose one moment to pause and observe:
What emotions arise in you when your child acts out? What happens if you acknowledge your feelings instead of reacting immediately?
By paying attention to your emotional state, you start to grasp the ripple effect of reactivity. This awareness allows you to change the energy in your home, which is an essential first step toward achieving harmony.
💛 Kindness Opportunity: Parenting Through Love, Not Fear
One of the most profound shifts my wife and I experienced through Julie King’s workshop was understanding the essence of her parenting approach. At its core, it’s about building connection rather than enforcing control.
This was a revelation for me. I’d spent so much time reacting to misbehavior—correcting, disciplining, and yelling—that I’d lost sight of what my child needed most in those moments: to feel seen, heard, and loved.
Julie teaches that children often act out because they struggle to express big feelings or unmet needs. The key is approaching them with curiosity, empathy, and a sense of collaboration. Instead of reacting, you respond with connection.
This approach reminded me of a powerful quote by Dr. David Hawkins:
“Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It invites understanding, compassion, and healing.”
Love doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries or that you stop being a parent. It means anchoring your actions in care rather than control and choosing connection over conflict.
Here are three tools that are part of Julie King’s approach to help you shift from reactivity to connection:
Acknowledging Feelings: “I see you’re really upset right now. It’s hard when things don’t go our way.”
Offering Choices: “Would you like to clean up your toys before or after snack time?”
Finding Collaboration: “Let’s figure out how we can solve this together.”
Julie’s teachings have completely transformed my approach to parenting. Where I once defaulted to frustration or reactivity, I now pause and lead with curiosity—a shift that strengthened my parenting and has deepened and improved all my relationships.
Kindness Opportunity:
This week, practice responding with love and connection when conflict arises. Before you react, try these steps:
What is my child feeling right now? Pause and tune in to their emotions. Are they feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?
Acknowledge their emotions out loud. Say something like, “It sounds like you’re feeling really upset right now,” or, “I can see that this is hard for you.” Validation helps children feel seen and understood.
Focus on connection, not correction. Instead of immediately jumping to a solution or consequence, ask, “What can we do together to make this better?” The goal isn’t to fix the situation immediately but to meet your child where they are with empathy and understanding.
If this approach resonates, I encourage you to check out my podcast episode with Julie King. We delve into her methods for fostering cooperation and trust and offer actionable advice for building a home grounded in love and connection.
Remember, choosing love doesn’t mean every moment is perfect—but it sets the tone for a home where everyone feels valued and understood. And that’s a gift you give not just to your children but to yourself.
Until next time…
Live Well and RAK On,
Dr. Rak 👊🏽